Out of Hiding…

Ok, so if you look at my last post, you may or may not notice that it was written over 2 years ago. A lot has happened since then! It’s taken me that amount of time to realise how much I regret stopping writing. At the time, I stepped back because a few too many ‘real life’ people found me. In retrospect, I don’t really get it now, because it’s not like I was posting anything controversial or untrue. In fact, most of it was only the kind of thing I’d talk to those very same people about anyway, but at the time, for some reason, it was a real biggie, like I’d been caught out doing something I shouldn’t!

The other reason was that my last post was written on my Grandma’s 100th birthday. In the post, I wrote that I was sure she’d been hanging on for her 100th birthday. She was desperate for her letter from the Queen! I wasn’t able to get down to see her on the day, but had arranged to go the following weekend. However, I soon found out that my prediction was right – she was indeed hanging on to become a centenarian, as just 9 days later, she passed away peacefully in her sleep. She always said that 7 was her special number. She always circled page 77 in her library books so she didn’t end up borrowing the same books twice (it’s funny the things we remember isn’t it?!) I like to think there was some significance to the fact she left us on the 7th day of the 7th month.

My Grandma was the only one of my Grandparents who I really knew and she was so special to me. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about her even now. Mostly to have a little giggle at one of her many quirks, my favourite always being how she used to buy half fat custard because she genuinely thought that meant she could eat twice as much of it! However it’s tinged with a sadness that I never got to see her that one last time, and that she never got to see her great-grandchildren one last time, so every time I opened up my blog and saw that last post, I just couldn’t deal with it quite.

So please bear with me while I bring my page up to date. No longer do I have two small people who act like small people and drain me of all my energy doing things that small people do! I actually have two slightly larger small people who think they are big people. They have minds and personalities all of their very own. They have brains and opinions and a confidence which makes me proud of them every day. But thankfully despite how grown up they are getting, they’re not too big for cuddles and kisses just yet! Watch this space…

The Gallery: Hands

I’m actually crying as I try and type this. Today is a very special day. It’s my Grandma’s 100th birthday – yes 100! I’m pretty sure it’s the day she’s been holding on for, for at least the last 3 years, when she hasn’t been able to communicate very well. Her brain is still fully functioning, but she can’t hear too well, or speak or write so she has no way of letting us know what she’s thinking.

I couldn’t let today go without showing a picture of my Grandma, but when I saw the theme was ‘hands’ I saw this picture in a completely different light. Who needs to hear or speak to communicate when your hands can say so much? Those frail, 98 year old hands are protecting and loving those newborn hands, and those little hands have placed all their trust in them. This is pretty much the only picture I have of my Grandma with her only Great Grandchildren, and it’s the last time she really saw them with an awareness of who they, and I were. It is so precious, but it’s only now that I’m learning to look beyond the obvious. It’s not all about the faces at all, so thank you, Tara for helping me see this!

This week’s other Gallery pictures can be found on Tara’s blog over at Sticky Fingers.

A Dilemma: Ancient or Modern?

Anyone who knows me will be aware of my complete inability to make a decision. Tea or Coffee? Pizza toppings? Which car park? You name it, I’ve dithered in a completely unneccesary manner about it! In fact, I’m verging on being slightly OCD about it, and sometimes I will actually just ask the children and see what they say, but that causes the issue to escalate if their vote isn’t unanimous! Thankfully though, generally these quandries are over small, inconsequential things. No-one’s life depends on them, and no-one will be upset by them.

The thing is, I now have a dilemma on my hands. I’ve made my decision (a first time for everything!), but I know a lot of people are going to think I’m wrong, and I’m always going to think about this with a guilty conscience whatever I decide – there’s no right answer to this one.

Next month, my daughter has her first Sports Day. She is already very excited about this special event where all the parents come and watch, and they’ve already started making things in preparation with Olympic themes. Although it’s probably not the biggest event in her school life, it’s another first for her, and something she is looking forward to and pretty much counting down the days until.

What she doesn’t know however, is that on this day, my Grandma will turn 100. My only living Grandparent, and probably the family member who’s stood up for me and who I’ve been closest to my entire life.

So my dilemma is this: Do I celebrate my Grandma’s 100th birthday with her, or does my daughter take part in her first ever Sports Day which she is so very much looking forward to?

Not many people get to celebrate a 100th birthday do they? And I honestly think my Grandma is just trying to ‘hold on’ for her 100th birthday, she hasn’t got long left I know that, I’ve been to see her in hospital and ‘said goodbye’ four times now, and my daughter’s Sport’s Day? Well, there’ll be plenty more of those won’t there, in fact give it a few years and the novelty will probably have worn off all together! It’s pretty obvious what I should do isn’t it?

So why is it that the decision I’ve made, is in fact the opposite? I feel like the decision I’m making is really selfish, but I also feel like I have to do it this way. My Grandma is very fragile. She lives in a residential care home (a very lush one with chandeliers and string quartets at dinner!) but last year she had a stroke. The last time I saw her, she recognised my face, but was unable to hear me clearly or communicate. She wasn’t really aware who my children were, so didn’t flinch when one of the other residents insisted they were her children (yes children, not grandchildren!) and tried to take them back to her room, pinning the picture up that my daughter had drawn for her Great-Grandma. Understandably, my children got a bit upset by this! She also gets visibly distressed when there is so much going on around her that she can’t focus on everything at once.

With this in mind, I have actually made a decision that I will support my daughter going to her Sports Day, and miss seeing my Grandma on her 100th birthday. I’m not sure if I feel guilty because it’s the wrong decision, or whether I feel uneasy because I know a lot of other people will think it’s the wrong decision, mainly the other members of my family. I just feel after a lot of thought that if I go and see my Grandma the next day, or the day before, she may not be as upset as my daughter would be if she missed something that was really important to her, and that in reality, she will be aware of missing a lot more. I am also pretty confident, that should I be lucky enough to reach that age, I would insist that my Grandchild made the same decision. I’m not snubbing my Grandma (or am I?) I love her to bits, and am desperate to share her special day with her, I’m just so torn. I’d love to hear what you would do, though if you think I’m totally out of order, please tell me in a nice way because I’m going to end up upsetting someone whatever I choose!